Santa the Gluttonous Ghoulish Grinch

Most people know ol’ Kris Kringle as the deliverer of joy. But how did we all become okay with the very notion of Santa Claus? He has multiple aliases, looks like a drunk uncle who won’t shut up about riding his Harley on weekends, enslaves a legion of little people, probably abuses those reindeer (like they willingly fly around), is a home invader, and most creepy of all, he supernaturally watches all children.

he sees you when you're sleeping“He sees you when you’re sleeping,” he’s watching your children sleep! I freak out when I know my spouse is creepily staring at me while I sleep, let alone a diabetic grandpa. Also, there’s no expiration age on his watching you. It’s not like you turn 13 and off goes the super secret monitoring device. Santa could be ghoulishly gawking at you when you first discover your sexuality and does his judgement deem that as naughty or nice, or niiiiiiiiiiice?

Why’s he doing all the clerical work anyway? Yeah, I get that all his heavy lifting is done in one night and he needs to occupy his time the rest of the year to avoid human interaction with Mrs. Claus (who’s not afforded the dignity of her own name), but whose hobby is making lists and spying on infants? Someone with control issues, that’s who.

Who is he to judge, anyway? I’d consider continuous spying of strange children as naughty. What if the kids are stuck in abject poverty due to systematic and institutionalized racism and they steal a banana? Santa’s going to deny them a present, furthering their socioeconomic disadvantage? What if those kids asked Santa for books and clean drinking water, but, uh oh, they argued with their mom…who was drunk and insisting the moon landing was fake, no presents? What a Grinch.

Free the ElvesIs he bringing any cookies back to the North Pole or is he just binging them all night? “I’ve been working hard, I deserve a cheat day,” I picture him saying as he binges on cookie after cookie. Maybe share the credit with the elves. After all, they’re the ones making all the toys. Leaving a tribute just for Santa is like sending a thank you note to FedEx (not an endorsement) for your brand new bike. Santa is just doing his job. Not saying he doesn’t deserve a tip for services rendered, but maybe package up some cookies in a bag for the elves. I’m not just tipping the waitress at a restaurant, I’m tipping the cook too.

Still not convinced? Are you an animal lover? Then just know that Dancer and Prancer and Donner and Vixen (weird name for a deer, perv-o) are not the originals. The average reindeer life expectancy is 15 years, meaning that we’re on Donner XXI at minimum. But, you know, what else are they going to eat at the North Pole? The tundra isn’t exactly conducive to a vegan diet. “They fly, the tug a velvet-clad child predator through the air, they’re delicious! Buy a flying reindeer today, and eat it later! It’ll get you high one way or another, we guarantee it.”

If you have a child who cries whenever you put him/her/whatever-gender-the-child-chooses on the lap of a mll Santa, praise that kid. Cry on, clever child, cry on.

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13 Comments

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  1. Santa’s a weirdo. Not like the tooth fairy. She cool.

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    • (To be clear, I’m just kidding. The tooth fairy is worse. SHE COLLECTS HUMAN TEETH.)

      Anyway, I believe his reindeer are magical slave reindeer that never get old and die. They just exist in servitude….forever. Is that better? Probably not. Call PETA.

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      • Whoa, don’t shame the tooth fairy! If she stops collecting willingly surrendered human teeth, she might switch to hunting rare rhinos and elephants for their horns/tusks. I’m assuming the tooth fairy is collecting human teeth to grind up for some sex pill.

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  2. Debra She Who Seeks December 14, 2015 — 8:32 am

    I just hope that Santa isn’t videotaping all those sex acts and putting the videos on the internet.

    Just as an unrelated question, anyone know Santa’s website url?

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  3. This is hysterical.

    I was just saying this over on tumblr where they had a big debate about whether we should lie to kids about Santa. The reason that Santa is OK is because he’s a culturally accepted thing. That’s how the brain works.

    We think that the things we find horrible are black and white absolutes. But Santa is the classic example that shows – yeah, no. We can conspire to lie to children and its totally OK. And we create this creepy guy and we think – he’s Great.

    And the WEIRDEST and Funniest part is – it is OK. Because we all agree. He will only stop being OK when enough of us don’t agree. And why bother – its just an arbitrary line in either case.

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  4. Those are all good points: What ARE the conditions like for the deer and elves for most of the year? is it like when they store veal calves?

    I don’t believe the spying is really necessary. I’ve met some rotten kids in my day, and they’ve still gotten presents. Since the information he gathers obviously isn’t used as the test for gift-giving, it starts to look like his ulterior motives for spying are the only motives.

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  5. abeerfortheshower December 14, 2015 — 10:38 am

    I’ve eaten reindeer before, so let’s just say that cookies aren’t the only thing keeping Santa fat. Also, there are much worse things you can do than recycle your tired, old reindeer into delicious burgers.

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  6. Crap on toast! I never thought of Santa as a child predator. Damn! We have to warn all the parents. Call the police! The FBI! Interpol!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This was good and cracked me up I would like to add that here in Australia we often leave a beer out for Santa so I guess by the time he is done down under he is also sloshed

    Liked by 1 person

  8. LOL! One of my friend’s kids NEVER smiles or enjoys sitting on Santa’s lap. This is year 6 and her picture is epic. She has the most IDGAF-I hate my life look on her face ever. I say she’s a smart cookie. When you really think of it, Santa IS creepy. So is that elf on the shelf thing *shudders*

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  9. No photos of my children with Santa. I wasn’t going to put my kids on some man’s dick.

    Love,
    Janie

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  10. It’s worse than you think, PVP. Mrs. Claus’ favorite hobby is actually…well, let’s just call it “reindeer games.”

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