Goodbye, Adele. This is where I leave you. I imagine that you’ll write sweeping epic ballads about this breakup…or not acknowledge that it happened at all. Whichever, I can no longer tolerate another moment with your song, “Hello.” Yes, I know that everyone is in love with this song, that it is universally lauded from grizzled sea captains to my mother’s high-as-balls knitting circle to babies who smile yet spontaneously cry at the sound of your dulcet tones. But I cannot endure another bar, another ringtone another warble from your polyp-free golden throat.
The song “Hello” is the song of the season. Whether you want it to be or not. I have not willingly listened to it once. It was played to me by my brother-in-law, then by Saturday Night Live, then by every supermarket in existence then just everywhere. Without my consent, “Hello” has become the one-song soundtrack of my life. I can’t go anywhere without “Hello.” I was listening to a podcast when suddenly, my iPod (not a brag) spontaneously started playing “Hello.” In the middle of a phone call, “Hello,” started playing, which, I was talking to my mom, so no complaint there. I was watching a YouTube video when suddenly it cut to, not Adele’s version, but a Korean schoolgirl singing a spot-on cover followed in succession by a baker’s dozen parodies.
I’ve heard it so many times that I’m beginning to analyze the lyrics. I hardly ever listen to lyrics, it’s why I manage to still like the mind-numbing ramblings of Sinatra, but when you’re forced to hear something on a loop that is so singer-centric, it’s impossible to shut out what she’s saying. Let’s just look at the chorus:
“Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home”
This doesn’t make sense unless this song takes place in 1988, the year Adele was born. Cell phones have been ubiquitous since before she was able to drive. Yet, the person she’s trying to apologize to was never home? What are you doing calling the person’s landline, Adele? And you don’t need to call a “thousand times” or else you have a whole new reason to apologize. Maybe toss a text to the person or a message on Facebook or tweet at them, you lunatic!
It’s a good song, don’t get me wrong, but there’s only so many times a person can hear the same song without it turning into an sonic-cudgel. It’s everywhere. Like a zombie apocalypse, the song grows and spreads, infecting one person after the next. It seems like this is a phenomenon that happens every year, so I guess I should be grateful it’s a tolerable song and not “Fancy” like a couple of years ago. The problem is, I want to like Adele but spending too much time with her is breeding contempt. It’s like a metaphor for the holidays themselves: A couple of days spent with family is fine, but after too long, the resentment grows and festers and suffocates all positive feelings you have toward something you’re supposed to love. STOP SUFFOCATING ME, ADELE! And seriously, get a cell phone.