The Omnipresent Oppression of Adele

Adele Hello funny memeGoodbye, Adele. This is where I leave you. I imagine that you’ll write sweeping epic ballads about this breakup…or not acknowledge that it happened at all. Whichever, I can no longer tolerate another moment with your song, “Hello.” Yes, I know that everyone is in love with this song, that it is universally lauded from grizzled sea captains to my mother’s high-as-balls knitting circle to babies who smile yet spontaneously cry at the sound of your dulcet tones. But I cannot endure another bar, another ringtone another warble from your polyp-free golden throat.

The song “Hello” is the song of the season. Whether you want it to be or not. I have not willingly listened to it once. It was played to me by my brother-in-law, then by Saturday Night Live, then by every supermarket in existence then just everywhere. Without my consent, “Hello” has become the one-song soundtrack of my life. I can’t go anywhere without “Hello.” I was listening to a podcast when suddenly, my iPod (not a brag) spontaneously started playing “Hello.” In the middle of a phone call, “Hello,” started playing, which, I was talking to my mom, so no complaint there. I was watching a YouTube video when suddenly it cut to, not Adele’s version, but a Korean schoolgirl singing a spot-on cover followed in succession by a baker’s dozen parodies.

Adele and Lionel Ritchie
Lionel is the one true Hello singer.

I’ve heard it so many times that I’m beginning to analyze the lyrics. I hardly ever listen to lyrics, it’s why I manage to still like the mind-numbing ramblings of Sinatra, but when you’re forced to hear something on a loop that is so singer-centric, it’s impossible to shut out what she’s saying. Let’s just look at the chorus:


“Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home”


SEE!?! She has Facebook! What are you doing calling landlines!?!
SEE!?! She has Facebook! What are you doing calling landlines!?!

This doesn’t make sense unless this song takes place in 1988, the year Adele was born. Cell phones have been ubiquitous since before she was able to drive. Yet, the person she’s trying to apologize to was never home? What are you doing calling the person’s landline, Adele? And you don’t need to call a “thousand times” or else you have a whole new reason to apologize. Maybe toss a text to the person or a message on Facebook or tweet at them, you lunatic!

It’s a good song, don’t get me wrong, but there’s only so many times a person can hear the same song without it turning into an sonic-cudgel.  It’s everywhere. Like a zombie apocalypse, the song grows and spreads, infecting one person after the next. It seems like this is a phenomenon that happens every year, so I guess I should be grateful it’s a tolerable song and not “Fancy” like a couple of years ago. The problem is, I want to like Adele but spending too much time with her is breeding contempt. It’s like a metaphor for the holidays themselves: A couple of days spent with family is fine, but after too long, the resentment grows and festers and suffocates all positive feelings you have toward something you’re supposed to love. STOP SUFFOCATING ME, ADELE! And seriously, get a cell phone.

Adele Hello Meme

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19 Comments

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  1. Antisocial Patty December 9, 2015 — 7:26 am

    I thought the same thing. She called a thousand times? No wonder he didn’t answer. He’s probably reporting her for stalking at this point. Someone had to say it. I’m glad it was you, Pickleope.

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  2. I can’t contribute anything of meaning; I’m just adele-ttante.

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  3. He’s blocking your calls, Adele. Quit stalking him! This is the creepiest stalker song since that one by Sting (“every move you make, every breath you take, I’ll be watching you”)

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  4. I don’t think anyone voluntarily listens to this song anymore. It’s just there. EVERYWHERE! It’s like “Hello” has taken on a life of its own & has now become a sentient force. Much like “Gangnam Style” of 2012.

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  5. Have you seen the video? She’s got a flip phone in it.

    So she obviously lives in a time when landlines still existed.

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  6. Well, she sure is making a killing and selling lots of albums!

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  7. He’s probably blocking her because he can’t understand her when she talks. As long as she sings, her speech is coherent to the ears. Don’t get me wrong, I love Adele. But DAYUM Girl! Get a professor Higgins to teach you how to talk.

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  8. OK…am I the only one crying into my pillow while I listen to this song?! I think the whole, “you’re not home” part is symbolic. It’s like, “your heart isn’t into it anymore-it’s not available- not “home”. Also, how can anyone with a past love not feel massive feels about this song? My ex is a piece of shit, but at one time I thought he was the bees knees. At one point, I felt the emotion in her song. Gah. I just love it. The whole album is amazing too. I’m sure I’ve been WordPress blacklisted now!! LOL

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  9. I’ve only heard the song once. I wasn’t sure what it was about. Don’t really care.

    Love,
    Janie

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    • It’s always feels really great to take the time to write something and put it out there–even if it’s as dumb as this–and then have someone take the time to, not just ignore it, but let you know, “hey, this thing you wrote? I do not give a shit. Meh to you, word jockey.”

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  10. I’m sure I’ll agree with you at some point, but right now I’m still in the love stage of this song. I mean…hello…it’s me….

    Liked by 1 person

  11. It got old the first dozen times I heard Lionel Ritchie do it. It was just a bit too sappy for me. I have only heard the first few bars with Adele singing it. That was enough.

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  12. My human cannot stand Adele and wonders what all the fuss is about her. Music to hang yourself by.

    And here’s a quote from that dude from Oasis. Y’all got Oasis?

    “Noel Gallagher has criticised Adele and her songs, describing them as “music for grannies”.

    Speaking to Music Feeds, via The Telegraph, Gallagher was asked about Adele and did not hold back with his opinions. “If someone wants to know what I think of Adele, I’ll fucking tell them… I just don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t like her music. I think it’s music for fucking grannies.”

    Gallagher added that he considers Adele to be part of a “sea of cheese” ruining modern music. “Music has nosedived into fucking blandness,” he said. “A sea of cheese.” ”

    Pawsitive wishes, Penny on behalf of her alleged human, Gary! Arf!!

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  13. I actually focus on the lyrics of music – it’s how I judge. Surely, Adele has a strong voice. But I agree, PVP, this song is strange and annoying. WTF is “the other side”? That’s what I don’t get. Is the rejected one dead, calling from the grave? It really irks me when people are paid big money to write crap like that.

    Like

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