Relearning How to Spin My Wheels

H–Hi? Uh, hello?  How do I do this? I forget. It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve tried to add to the pollution of internet detritus. Where do I introduce my first sardonic remark? Do I lose people’s attention right about here or does that come as soon as I press the publish button? I can do this, I just have to remember my endless capacity for masturbatory self-amusement. I’m just not sure I’m capable of churning out something remotely readable.

If ever there was a metaphor for my writing. Image Source
If ever there was a metaphor for my writing. Image Source

Who am I kidding? Honestly, aside from when I write it the first time, no one is reading this through. I don’t even read it through for a second draft, how can I expect anyone else to read it through? Just judging by some of the other blogs I’ve read (not yours, your blog is great!) I could probably fall asleep on the keyboard while writing nothing but onomatopoetic words for my farts and still generate a similar volume of “please reciprocate my comment!” comments.

It’s kind of shameful for me too. I was counting the days since I last blogged, like someone in AA looking to get their first chip. (For those not familiar with how AA works, people get together in a circle, share super depressing stories while drinking a Kool-Aid Man size pot of coffee and hoping to remain sober long enough to get a poker chip for apologizing to people who were dumb enough to be sober around a drunk person.) If I were caught blogging by someone I respected, I’d react as though my boss came into my cubicle while I had a rubber tube in my mouth that was tied around my bicep and had a syringe at the ready, searching for a vein while her mother was also in the cubicle crushing Oxycontin I gave her and, just for fun, we’re both in lingerie while wearing clown makeup. That’s how ashamed I am to be doing this.

I guess there's some inspiration to be found here.
I guess there’s some inspiration to be found here.

But I couldn’t stay away. I just had to scratch the itch that is my insatiable desire to hear my own words bounce and echo throughout my brain chambers. But is this where I include a cartoon I drew so that people can more easily skim through the difficult word parts? It may be too difficult to navigate back into the spiral of self-doubt and mediocrity. Eh, what am I going to do, join the ranks of the forgotten ghost blogs? Become a YouTuber? Or worse, start a podcast!?! I shouldn’t have even written that, it’s like a curse, if you say it enough, suddenly you have a podcast. No, I’m compelled to do this, lest I torture my family with my rampant self-aggrandizement stirred with my misanthropic self-loathing.

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11 Comments

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  1. I laughed out loud after reading your description of being “caught blogging.” Please don’t stop your masturbatory self-amusement. I like to watch, I mean, read.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Now I’m wondering what kind of lingerie a pickle wears. Dat dill, doe!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Can someone please make me shirt that says “Dat dill, doe”? I mean, I don’t think a shirt with that on it would help my standing in the community and may contribute to a restraining order from the local schools, but it’d be worth it.

      Like

  3. LOL! The first two comments, though! How can I even say anything after that? When you are gone, we miss you. Does that help? It is true! Really!

    Like

  4. Hey, i started (and abandoned) a podcast! It’s just a lot of work. If only we could spend all our time sharing our opinions on the internet! Has anyone figured out how to make that profitable yet??

    Like

  5. abeerfortheshower February 22, 2016 — 12:52 pm

    Thank you kindly for sharing this article! It have been very valuable to me and I totally read ever word! Please visit my blog at http://www.masturbatoryselfamusingmommyblog.angelfire.com.

    Like

  6. How long does an idea need to last in order to be considered to be masturbatory? I just come here to see if I can get a mental erection.

    Like

  7. Thank you for the laugh this morning

    Like

  8. You have the rare talent, PVP, of making a totally meaningless post about nothing completely hysterical. I don’t know how you do it, but I envy you.

    Like

  9. You’re an excellent blogger. I read every word of your blog. If I don’t read your blog, it’s because I’m taking time off, or somehow I miss the publication. I am taking off this week, but I read your blog. I won’t do that for many people other than you. You are intelligent and hilarious.

    Love,
    Janie

    Like

  10. Ooh! Ooh! Become a conspiracy theory YouTuber! You can never have too many of those, right?

    Like

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