Porn is Greater Than the Oscars

The 88th Academy Awards happened last night, supposedly christening the greatest in acting, producing, scoring and stuff nobody not involved with the production of a movie cares the least about. (I’d like to present an award to anyone who can untangle the second half of that last sentence.) But I have a hard time taking seriously any awarding body that dares to define the best of a malleably ethereal, subjective art form.  Especially when that awarding body decides that a 10 year old is better than a veteran at a supposedly venerated craft such as acting.

You should be embarrassed, Oscar, as should Gwyneth Paltrow for stealing you that one year.
You should be embarrassed, Oscar, as should Gwyneth Paltrow for stealing you that one year.

This is one of the many reasons why I lend much more credibility to the AVN Porn Awards than the 88th Academy Awards. As I write this I do not care about the winners of the movies I do not care about. Not that I care about the winners of the porn awards, but at least they have the least bit of credibility. The AVN Porn Awards (not an endorsement) have a credibility that the Academy Awards can’t dare to attempt attain.

The porn awards have much more credibility to me than the cavalcade of decrepit make-pretenders that is the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. By the way, we’re still calling them “motion pictures?” That’s like still calling cars “horseless carriages.”

Pornography at least has a modicum of empiricism to their awards. They award actors and actresses based on their work for the entire year. Best Male Performer takes into account a performers performance through the entire year. Would Leonardo DiCaprio even be in the conversation if the Academy had to take into account his entire year, including the fact that he was openly vaping at other award shows? No, he lost performer points.

Whoops, that's not the Porn Awards trophy, that's the Army National Guard 3rd Place in Combat trophy. Eh, close enough.
Whoops, that’s not the Porn Awards trophy, that’s the Army National Guard 3rd Place in Combat trophy. Eh, close enough.

Best anal sex scene seems like it would be much easier to discern as a voter than Best Supporting Actress or Best Adapted Screenplay which seems like they should wait a few years before awarding, let it incubate or you run the risk of giving Best Picture to Driving Miss Daisy or Crash. I may be wrong, but it seems there’s more practical evidence to awarding the Most Outrageous Sex Scene (real category) than there is to determining Best Sound Editing versus Best Sound Mixing. We can count the number of people in the Best Group Sex Scene, but who knows how anyone determines the Best Animated Short?

I don’t think I need to convince anyone that its a much more worthwhile endeavor to sit with the one you love and watch someone cram a wiener into a consensual partner than it is to watch the Academy of Talkies cram a metaphorical dong into your cinematic assessments by daring to call Spotlight a better movie than Mad Max Fury Road. But, I just want to be clear that as far as awards go, the Adult Video News Awards are vastly superior to the Oscars (which, coincidentally, the Oscar looks suspiciously like dildo) simply in terms of observable pragmatism over giving Shakespeare in Love an award of any kind.

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16 Comments

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  1. You make a good point about “motion pictures” and “horseless carriages.”

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  2. abeerfortheshower February 29, 2016 — 11:55 am

    All of this posting about the AVN Porn Awards but no mention of who took home the Best Anal Sex Scene or the Best Group Sex Scene. Don’t keep us in suspense – who was it? It was the Blue Man Group on both accounts, wasn’t it? (Their pornographic motion picture, Two in the Blue, was truly inspiring)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dayum! If you’re going to bring up the AVNA’s, at least let us know who won and who they won.

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    • The winners matter even less than the winner of the Employee of the Month at your local McDonald’s. Sure, it matters to the winner, but the rest of us just want our Big Mac (which is also the nickname of a lot of porn star dongs so this analogy works on multiple levels).

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  4. You make a brilliant point, PVP. Plus, it’s even easier to count the number of animals vs people involved in a group orgy. I’ve never watched the porn awards, but I certainly hope the sheep are acknowledged for their contributions.

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  5. Is the adult video award just a straight up gold dildo? Should be.

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  6. Late to the party, but what a party it must have been. Do they have awards for orgasms such as quality and quantity?

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  7. I’d be much more interested in the red carpet of the porn awards too.

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  8. I think Spotlight and Mad Max Fury Road both suck. I’d give them a porn award.

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    • What? I’m sorry, I can’t hear or read you over your obvious break from sanity. How dare you attempt to spread your contrarian views that Mad Max Fury Road is somehow less than a masterpiece. It’s okay to say you didn’t enjoy it, but to say it sucked is tantamount to saying “Trump has some good ideas” or “I’m cultivating my bully button cheese” or “A blanket of poop is the only way I feel comfortable keeping my feet warm in shoes” or “I don’t know how subjectivity works.”

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      • But I still like you. If that doesn’t demonstrate my sanity, I will eat Trump’s wig.

        Max wasn’t mad. He wasn’t convincing. That guitar-playing idiot felt like a rip-off. Yes, the movie looked great, so what.

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        • I can’t let this go. What about the guitar guy seemed like a rip-off? Are there other movies with flame-throwing guitars on top of exciting caravans of tumor-riddled marauders that I’m unaware of? Please, elucidate me, because–and I feel comfortable making this declaration–I will watch ANY movie that involves a flame-throwing guitar. Also, if you didn’t like Tom Hardy because he wasn’t Mel Gibson, you’re anti-Semitic (Unfair, I’m being transparently unfair. That’s not a serious argument, please, no one tell me I’m wrong, because I know I’m being rude).

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