Twas the Month Before Christmas

Twas the month before Christmas and all through the land,

While some people snoozed after gorging, still clutching pie in their hand.

Some set up camp outside the Walmart,

Art by Steve Cutts
Art by Steve Cutts

For the privilege of buying something as substantial as a fart.

The Trans Siberian Orchestra has emerged from their cryogenic sleep,

While Brian Setzer blew a horn to gather his orchestra for the Holiday creep.

Unemployable fat dudes prepare their flasks and dye their beards,

For the coming onslaught of kid asses, yes this tradition is weird.

Why do we thrust our vulnerable children upon the laps of alcoholic bikers?

It seems like trusting a Picasso to a family of badgers.

I understand that last bit was quite tangential,

Now let’s get back to the holidays and being judgmental.

Tis the season for singers and bands to release Christmas albums,

A cynical cash grab trying to nibble up Christmas crumbs.

It’s time for Mariah Carey to start making more millions.

And parents at their kid’s choir drink all of the bourbons.

Seriously, why do all schools do the kids Christmas choir?

Insufferable songs sung insufferably. Even for teachers the situation seems dire.

Thank you for your patience as I once again diverted

From this prematurely festive dirge that is most certainly fetid.

Art once again by Steve Cutts
Art once again by Steve Cutts

Twas the month before Christmas and all through the land,

Half-assed office parties are being planned.

Rhollie in Accounting and Savannah in HR

Are checking budgets and deciding on open bar.

Justin in Sales is deciding how best to bed the intern,

While shrimp cocktails are ordered by the volume of a cistern.

Tripp in the call center’s sizable gut trembles with encroaching fear,

For he knows he’ll be asked to play Santa yet again this year.

Visions of free drinks ran through Rona the receptionist’s head,

It’s too bad that her boss is going to fire her on Friday instead.


Twas the month before Christmas and all through world,

Arguments about decorating between couples did swirl.

Little did you know the wrong style of tree could be a disgrace,

or that every ornament has a very particular place.


Useless pundits begin crafting fictional culture wars,

While coverage and discussion of actual issues are cast afar.

Secularists complain about Paganism and Consumerism.

Turns out complaining is our only unifying anthem.

Over this next month as people decide how and when to celebrate,

Try not to use this time to foster and feed hate.

Remember, dumb stories are given more fan fare,

Because they are easier and anger is louder than the majority who really don’t care.


Add yours →

  1. UGH, I had forgotten all about work holiday parties. SIGH.


  2. Brilliant, Pickleope! I have absolutely zero Christmas Spirit this year. ZERO. I just want it to be January already.


  3. I have enough Christmas spirit for Debra and me, myself, and I. Wait till you see your baby girl smile at the lights and the wrapping paper. And don’t go to the office Christmas party. They always suck.



  4. abeerfortheshower November 28, 2016 — 10:38 am

    Shhh, do you hear that? I think it’s Michael Buble. Dammit, Pickleope, why did you have to drop the C-word already?


  5. Thank goodness I don’t have to do office parties any more. I’d forgotten how lame and awkward they can be.


  6. This post cracked me up good and proper, for that I thank you, I think it did make drink come out my nose from laugh so maybe I shouldn’t be thanking you for that, oh well all ready said thank you and damn just said it again.


  7. Considering the state of my country’s economy (or lack thereof) I pretty much doubt we’ll be having much of an office Christmas party this year. We may still get presents, though. After all, this is a perfect time for the Comms department to offload all those unused key rings.


  8. OMG, office and company parties. The scourge of Christmas. Need I say more


  9. True, most people really don’t care, and that’s a good thing.
    Alas, each year I am more and more appreciative of the fact that I don’t celebrate Christmas.
    Happy Hanukah, Pickleope.
    I hope you and yours are able to simply focus on taking care of each other.


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