On Being Sweden

If I have a super power, it would be neutrality. If I had a superhero name, it would be “Impartiality Person.” And when I arrived on the scene I’d have to explain how I whatever your opinions are inform my opinions yet I am noncommittal about my fluid gender identity.

Also, sorry for not listening, I'll try to be a better listener.
Also, sorry for not listening, I’ll try to be a better listener.

As a person tasked with raising money for a nonprofit, I have to remain impartial to everything, lest I risk them closing their wallets out of anger. Ask me my opinion and I can respond to anything with a verbal shrug. All I have to do is be a mirror. I’m a blank coloring book where anyone can draw whatever their heart desires upon me.

“So, Trump is president.” And no matter how you read that, whatever inflection you read into that, is what I intended. Even if I said it out loud, you would read into that statement the mirrored inflection you want to see. You love it, fine. Hate it, also fine. I have perfected the personification of the response everyone has to, “How are you.”true-neutral-futurama

What’s your favorite sport? Really? Mine too. What’s your favorite team? Wow, what a coincidence, me too! What do you think about their defense this year? I totally agree. What was up with the officiating in that last game?

My neutrality knows very few bounds in the pursuit of making rich people feel warm and gooey and absolved inside by donating to a worthy cause for which they will be amply rewarded not just in good cheer but also through tax breaks. What do you believe in? Great, it just so happens that our organization not only helps achieve your societal concerns but also is an economic incentive. I am your salvation, your comfort, your absolution, your everything. Gimme your tithing!

Like girls? I’m feminine. Like boys? I can turn my inny into an outy. I am not imposing nor sexually distracting, neither visually off-putting or beguiling. I am human Silly Putty. Shape me into whatever form pleases you, maybe rub a Garfield comic strip on me.

This is me. Mold me. Shape me.
This is me. Mold me. Shape me.

Once I’m beyond the office doors, I’m filled with opinions. However, after years of shrouding my feelings and being an anthropological chameleon, I’ve realized how useless opinions really are. Which is why it is befuddling to me that people still feel the overwhelming need to share their opinion on news articles. Can you imagine thinking your opinion matters so much that you feel compelled to write a comment on a news site? As though that’s going to sway anyone.

Some people view my non-committal attitude at work as revealing a spinelessness, but I would argue that I’m self-assured enough, confident enough in the veracity of my opinions that I don’t feel the need to have anyone validate them. Being the personification of Sweden really gives a person an objective perspective on the uselessness and fragility of ego, the mother of opinions.

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12 Comments

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  1. A fascinating post, Pickleope. I can see how studied neutrality is a “must” in that line of work yet it must be kind of soul-destroying in the long run? Or perhaps not, because really, who gives actually gives a flying fuck when all is said and done? Also, I’m intrigued by the inny turning into an outy idea. Is that how Switzerland turned into Sweden?

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    • Switzerland and Sweden were both neutral, right? They both were like, “bork bork bork, we’re totally white countries that aren’t affected by state sponsored racism, bork bork.”
      Not soul-destroying at all. It’s freeing. Working at a bank (like I used to) was soul-destroying. At least now, my work actually helps support something I believe in.There are sacrifices in all work, this one just so happens that my sacrifice leads to raising funds for a worthy cause.

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  2. If neutrality is the way you want to go, who am I to judge? Live & let live, I say…

    Heeeey! I’m the same. We’re like Morph & Mystique (you’re Mystique & I’m Morph, just so we’re clear): Two shape shifting super freaks able to become whatever our environment requires.

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  3. I agree. I’m probably just a wimp, but I don’t understand people who can’t compartmentalize.

    I would walk up to you and start discussing my medical issues (“Pickleope! I have this thing growing on my back. It’s horrible…”), I wouldn’t talk to my boss about my sexual proclivities, and I don’t need to tell my conservative uncle about what i think of Trump as soon as he pulls up in the driveway.

    There’s nothing wrong with being agreeable.

    Anyway, I posted this comment because it proves what I’ve been saying all along. Like every article does, really. Now I’m going to go to CNN and say the same thing (“This news story proves what I’ve been saying all along!”) for three hours.

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  4. Recently, a blogger I don’t know well wrote an entire post about another blogger “attacking” him. The attacking blogger never mentioned anyone by name, but the attacked blogger was certain it was all about him. Why would anyone call himself out like that to insist he’s not a racist? I stopped following the blog of the person who was “attacked” because I thought his behavior is weird and I don’t want to read shit posts like that. It’s also occurred to me in the past that the “attacked” person has some racist views. I would never presume that someone’s post was about me or that anyone cared about me that much unless the person actually wrote, “I abhor Janie Junebug.” In fact, if I read that, I’d probably laugh. Why do people who express their views constantly think they are so important and that anyone gives a fuck?

    Love,
    Janie, who does not give a fuck about all the comments on news articles

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  5. I Didn’t know Sweden was a neutral country. So when I did some checking I found a whole slew of freaking neutral countries since WW II. Amazing! I really didn’t know that. So, since you are neutral silly putty, does this mean I can roll you into a ball or stretch you over any newspaper printing of something about Prez-elect Rump and you will neutralize it? or no.

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  6. Ok didn’t know Sweden was a neutral country but that is ok there is lots of things I don’t know, nothing wrong with staying neutral unless you are doing it while sitting on a pointy fence then you may end up with a sore bum.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Should I…should I not comment about this?

    *wrings hands*

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  8. abeerfortheshower December 7, 2016 — 8:02 pm

    It’s also a tendency of sociopaths to identify what people like and agree with it, in an attempt to artificially win them over so as to ultimately use them for your own benefit.

    Uh… just saying. So we gonna rub some Garfields, or what? Cuz this putty is gettin’ dry. You take that to mean whatever you want, Mr. Agreeable.

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