If I have a super power, it would be neutrality. If I had a superhero name, it would be “Impartiality Person.” And when I arrived on the scene I’d have to explain how I whatever your opinions are inform my opinions yet I am noncommittal about my fluid gender identity.
As a person tasked with raising money for a nonprofit, I have to remain impartial to everything, lest I risk them closing their wallets out of anger. Ask me my opinion and I can respond to anything with a verbal shrug. All I have to do is be a mirror. I’m a blank coloring book where anyone can draw whatever their heart desires upon me.
“So, Trump is president.” And no matter how you read that, whatever inflection you read into that, is what I intended. Even if I said it out loud, you would read into that statement the mirrored inflection you want to see. You love it, fine. Hate it, also fine. I have perfected the personification of the response everyone has to, “How are you.”
What’s your favorite sport? Really? Mine too. What’s your favorite team? Wow, what a coincidence, me too! What do you think about their defense this year? I totally agree. What was up with the officiating in that last game?
My neutrality knows very few bounds in the pursuit of making rich people feel warm and gooey and absolved inside by donating to a worthy cause for which they will be amply rewarded not just in good cheer but also through tax breaks. What do you believe in? Great, it just so happens that our organization not only helps achieve your societal concerns but also is an economic incentive. I am your salvation, your comfort, your absolution, your everything. Gimme your tithing!
Like girls? I’m feminine. Like boys? I can turn my inny into an outy. I am not imposing nor sexually distracting, neither visually off-putting or beguiling. I am human Silly Putty. Shape me into whatever form pleases you, maybe rub a Garfield comic strip on me.
Once I’m beyond the office doors, I’m filled with opinions. However, after years of shrouding my feelings and being an anthropological chameleon, I’ve realized how useless opinions really are. Which is why it is befuddling to me that people still feel the overwhelming need to share their opinion on news articles. Can you imagine thinking your opinion matters so much that you feel compelled to write a comment on a news site? As though that’s going to sway anyone.
Some people view my non-committal attitude at work as revealing a spinelessness, but I would argue that I’m self-assured enough, confident enough in the veracity of my opinions that I don’t feel the need to have anyone validate them. Being the personification of Sweden really gives a person an objective perspective on the uselessness and fragility of ego, the mother of opinions.