Subscribe to Schrodinger’s Box

There are a staggering number of mystery box subscription services. You can pay $20 a month to get a box of assorted crap for your dog. Pay a crazy amount to have a box of unmade food delivered to your house. For $10 a month you can get one pair of socks that you didn’t choose. What a time in which we live when you can pay for the privilege of having someone send you a mystery garish foot garment. Get a random assortment of mostly things you don’t want by throwing around $20! It’s like a hoarder’s nocturnal emission.

image source
image source

There are subscriptions to everything, wine, real booze, baby crap, women’s clothing, men’s clothing, art supplies, makeup, snacks, educational materials for kids, grooming, jewelry, gaming, accessories, books, shirts, knickknacks, and on and on. If you are indecisive and don’t care what it is you’re getting, then there is a subscription service for you. I bet there’s a rich-people-only subscription service on the deep web that sends them a child from a developing country that they get to hunt on their private island. “Aww man, another Libyan refugee. Dammit. I was hoping for a Kenyan or a Brazilian this time. Oh well, load the gun and give him a two day head start.”

It befuddles me that anyone would pay for the privilege of someone else taking their overstock, throwing it in a box and sending it, but surely that just means I live on a budget. But it seems lucrative to take advantage of people’s trust by sending them stuff they could have bought on their own but are too apathetic or lazy to seek out products themselves. So, I want to get in the game.

Now that we’re in Trump’s America, we’re post-hairline. No hairdo is too ridiculous, no elaborate comb over too audacious. So, why not Postiche Package? It’s a wig-of-the-month club. We all know that’s a toupee, why not embrace it by getting bigger and weirder hair-pieces like you’re Phil Spector in court!?! As a compliment, add another $300 per month and you’ll get discounted membership into our Firearm Fun Farm club! Deals!

Just to give you an idea of some of the fun hairpieces coming your way.
Just to give you an idea of some of the fun hairpieces coming your way.

Appealing to the broadest audience possible, I present to you, Prescription Pack. For $50 a week, we’ll send you a package filled with pharmaceutical grade pills. Who knows what fun trip you’ll have, just pop a couple of whatever we send in your mouth and enjoy the ride. Will you end up with a 4 hour erection or completely numb to the pain of everyday life or maybe you’ll just quiet the voices in your head and tamp down those volatile emotions for an afternoon. You’ll have no idea what you’ll get but that’s part of the fun!

Source (it's a t-shirt)
Source (it’s a t-shirt)

Maybe I’ll just start a Schrodinger’s Box Club. For $20 per month, we’ll send you a box. It’s a pet-of-the-month club, but with a whole Rube Goldbergian setup inside the box with radioactive isotopes and poison . . . or however that weird quantum thought experiment works. The point is, if you open the box, the pet dies. So, you just have to keep the box and be secure in the knowledge that the pet is totally fine in the box as long as you don’t open it.

Subscription mystery boxes are the new gold rush, people. If you’d like to invest in any of my ideas, please also be prepared to do the majority of the work, I’m more of a muse, which is a nice way of saying, “staggeringly lazy.”


Add yours →

  1. Love the idea of Schrodinger’s Box. Taking that further, you could send people abstract philosophies, although I’m pretty sure they’d all turn out to be “the concept of disappointment”.


  2. Debra She Who Seeks December 12, 2016 — 7:49 am

    For a pickle, you’re feckin brilliant! (Seriously, great post!)


  3. You’re pretty clever. With all these good ideas, you should be rich by now.

    The drug of the month thing is great.


  4. I’ll take the drugs box, please.



  5. How much is that Drug of the Month box? Seriously, I could go for that. I do have that Barkbox thing for my dogs. It comes with 2 treat bags and at least 3 toys. They love it when they get it. Otherwise, they would never miss it because dogs have the attention span of a gnat.
    Great post, darlin.


  6. abeerfortheshower December 12, 2016 — 1:26 pm

    Fun story: last year for Christmas a relative got me a ‘mystery beer box’ as a gift, promising ‘unique craft beers’, and every single beer was f***ing terrible. Some of them, when googling, I couldn’t even find. These beers were THAT obscure. I said I wanted unique, not brewed in Uncle Jerry’s bath tub to fund his meth habit.

    Also, mystery boxes are terrible, but I think my favorite is the mystery vacation package. Pay a discounted sum and then get sent to a mystery location of the company’s choosing. Are we going to see Niagara Falls or are we going to a North Korean labor camp? Who the hell knows! That’s half the fun!


  7. I don’t know what to say, I had a good laugh and thought what the hell


  8. I would love to invest once I figure out a scheme to raise some capital that I don’t have.


  9. First, confession: I was THISCLOSE to getting my sister that monthly socks subscription service for christmas. She likes socks.

    Second: you know what’s better than subscription boxes? Just drink a bunch and go wild on your amazon prime account (turn on that one click thing for an extra good time). I guarantee you that you’ll forget about everything you ordered, thereby creating your own mystery box subscription service.


  10. I have to admit I only found out how these mystery boxes worked a few weeks ago. At first, when the guy explained how they worked, I thought they were sort of a neat idea… This post serves to confirm my fear that the cynical skeptic within me is going soft.


  11. You’re so brilliantly hilarious. Love your info about Trump’s America post-hairline. Ivanka is auctioning off a coffee chat (for real, on CharityBuzz). Bidding is at nearly $63,000. The mystery is: what’s in the coffee and will the Costa Rican be included? If so, I’ll start bidding at $65,000.


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