Christmas Questions

Christmas has spawned a lot of myths but not a lot of details. Even the main story about Jesus is super vague. We don’t know the actual date of Jesus’s birth, December 25 was just a convenient Pagan ritual that could be usurped. So, when even the date is vague, many questions arise.

In case you needed a visualization of Santa dropping a grumper. Image courtesy of Poopourri
In case you needed a visualization of Santa dropping a grumper. Image courtesy of Poopourri

Of course I have a lot of questions about bowel movements. When Santa is flying round, don’t the reindeer drop massive loads across the globe? Is that what the coal in the stocking really is? What about Santa? He has to get backed up with all those milk and cookies. When Frosty came to life, did he even have a proper anatomy? I doubt the kids who crafted him thought about including an anus or dangly bits. Poor Frosty. Is he even alive without all the works downstairs?

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a misinterpretation of a tale about an alcoholic who suddenly finds out he’s functional, right?

Do Christians who are obsessed with an imaginary War on Christmas, who demand “Keep Christ in Christmas,”  the people who actually get mad at Santa, do they understand that people are capable of holding two competing thoughts in their head at the same time?

hipster-jesusHow did Joseph explain Jesus to his friends? “Well, no, it’s not technically my baby. We’ve never had sex. After all, we’re not married. But she’s still a virgin. I swear. How do I know? Well, I had a dream where an angel came and told me that she’s a virgin and Jesus is God and the angel even named Jesus. Pretty cool, right? All I had to do was roll with it. Did I mention we couldn’t find a place in Bethlehem and Mary ended up squatting in a manger? Wild, right?” Tell me your friend comes to you with this story and you just accept it at face value. That’s a dude who was looking to believe whatever. If it were modern day, he probably would have been a Scientologist.

What’s Mrs. Claus getting out of this relationship? She isn’t even afforded the dignity of a first name. Could it be Santa Claus’s proficiency in the bedroom? In all the depictions of him we’ve seen, it doesn’t look like ol’ St. Nick has seen his goody bits in decades and that beard has to be scratchy.

When will Santa switch to drone technology? “Top story, a wedding was bombarded with presents today. It is believed the intended target was an orphanage across the street.”

Is Christmas the only holiday or occasion associated with the word “merry?” Merry Christmas, or Merry Whatever-You-Celebrate. Happy Holidays to one and all.



Add yours →

  1. Yeah and does santa REALLY need milk? I mean santa is a grown ass man. How many grown ass men do you know who drink full glasses of milk? Bleh ick no thanks.


  2. Debra She Who Seeks December 19, 2016 — 7:40 am

    And they say investigative journalism is dead!


  3. abeerfortheshower December 19, 2016 — 11:15 am

    You would think a man who goes from house to house consuming a constant barrage of milk and cookies would eventually go into a diabetic coma and crash his sleigh into some poor kid’s house. You call it Christmas, but I call it Russian Roulette.


  4. I’m a Christian. The “war on Christmas” does not exist. I’ve been saying it since Bill O’Wiley invented the war, but no one listens to me. Fuckin’ bloody hell. Shitpisscuntfuck. See? I can use all this profanity and nobody cares. That’s because people don’t like the truth, and I hereby declare myself a truther.



  5. Has anyone asked for Jesus’s birth certificate? I mean, come on, he’s been everyone’s savior for God knows how long. I think it’s about time we found out his true birthday and place he was born.


  6. Thank you for this mornings laugh


  7. Pickleope ruins yet another holiday forever…


  8. Hello! That old fart is obviously wearing diapers and those reindeer are onviously just an app. Also, being mad at Santa used to be sin #11 but your average christian wouldn’t know a thing about that. It takes a blue pagan moron (just quoting) to show them the light. Or delight. See, now I’m all confused and sad.


  9. Don’t you suspect, PVP, that the Mrs. has her way with the elves and reindeer, at least two at a time?

    A warm and safe Holiday season to you and yours.


  10. I’m not Christian, but you can’t grow up on this continent without learning about Santa and about Christmas. I’ve never questioned what I learned through osmosis more than after reading your post.


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