Strangely Naked

Christmas has spawned a lot of myths but not a lot of details. Even the main story about Jesus is super vague. We don’t know the actual date of Jesus’s birth, December 25 was just a convenient Pagan ritual that could be usurped. So, when even the date is vague, many questions arise.

Of course I have a lot of questions about bowel movements. When Santa is flying round, don’t the reindeer drop massive loads across the globe? Is that what the coal in the stocking really is? What about Santa? He has to get backed up with all those milk and cookies. When Frosty came to life, did he even have a proper anatomy? I doubt the kids who crafted him thought about including an anus or dangly bits. Poor Frosty. Is he even alive without all the works downstairs?

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is a misinterpretation of a tale about an alcoholic who suddenly finds out he’s functional, right?

Do Christians who are obsessed with an imaginary War on Christmas, who demand “Keep Christ in Christmas,”  the people who actually get mad at Santa, do they understand that people are capable of holding two competing thoughts in their head at the same time?

How did Joseph explain Jesus to his friends? “Well, no, it’s not technically my baby. We’ve never had sex. After all, we’re not married. But she’s still a virgin. I swear. How do I know? Well, I had a dream where an angel came and told me that she’s a virgin and Jesus is God and the angel even named Jesus. Pretty cool, right? All I had to do was roll with it. Did I mention we couldn’t find a place in Bethlehem and Mary ended up squatting in a manger? Wild, right?” Tell me your friend comes to you with this story and you just accept it at face value. That’s a dude who was looking to believe whatever. If it were modern day, he probably would have been a Scientologist.

What’s Mrs. Claus getting out of this relationship? She isn’t even afforded the dignity of a first name. Could it be Santa Claus’s proficiency in the bedroom? In all the depictions of him we’ve seen, it doesn’t look like ol’ St. Nick has seen his goody bits in decades and that beard has to be scratchy.

When will Santa switch to drone technology? “Top story, a wedding was bombarded with presents today. It is believed the intended target was an orphanage across the street.”

Is Christmas the only holiday or occasion associated with the word “merry?” Merry Christmas, or Merry Whatever-You-Celebrate. Happy Holidays to one and all.