A Regretful Partition

Currently there’s a chainlink fence between me and the neighbors behind us where there’s an apartment complex downhill. If we wanted to obstruct the apartment’s view of our house, our options are limited, but right now, the relationship between us and the apartment complex is untenable. Gross squirrels are dragging even grosser dumpster garbage fast food bags into our yard, we are constantly assaulted by their noise pollution, and our attention is sometimes diverted by “apartment drama.” (You know apartment drama, strangers yelling at each other, drunk people cavorting, people

If only there was a parallel between what’s happening now and the Berlin Wall…Nah. Image source

with loud cars who work the night shift, generally the reasons people purchase houses, to flee from such awful nonsense.). These are bad hombres, some, I assume, are good people.

As such, we’re considering various options to prevent all of the annoying and horrific things that trickle over, because they aren’t sending their best, their sending their loud non-mufflered cars, their garbage, their sewer cats, not their drugs like I would prefer, their gross bonfire parties with the even grosser music. Again, some I assume are good people, but they’re mostly human detritus.

We thought about a larger fence, but since we’re uphill, a fence wouldn’t work to our satisfaction. What if we tried a natural border, planting trees or shrubs? But who has the patience or the attentiveness nature requires? Also, as a home owner, we’re already fighting nature at every moment. Part of the need for this wall is our general disdain for nature (did I mention we’re also in the middle of a migratory path for several endangered species?).

If only we thought of a better design, like this.

We wanted to brainstorm things that were more of a deterrent. Unfortunately, when you’re in a state of panic about strangers potentially invading your space, your imagination becomes limited. Now we’re stuck with a giant ugly wall. No thought toward aesthetics, or its effect on the ecology of our yard, just a stark, giant slab of vertical concrete. We can’t take any pride in it because it’s not that novel, nor does it really accomplish anything. We forgot that our neighbors had ladders and shovels and gross cats are still good climbers and anyone could still just chuck garbage into our yard. In fact, by removing the human element, we’ve made it easier for them to throw garbage into our yard because they don’t have to see the consequences.

Also, the apartments didn’t pay for it like we thought they would, so we’re now bankrupt. At the very least we could have kept what we had and added maybe a moat with piranhas or motion-sensor poison dart launchers or maybe just an audio system that assaults those who approach the border with a recording of  Jared Leto’s band.

As we’re redesigning, I have to remember not to invite Kool-Aid Man.

Maybe we could ask a bunch of people to make some broken tile mosaics on the existing gross structure? Maybe plant landmines that erupt into fireworks, deadly deadly fireworks speckled with puffs of invader blood? Maybe I can add a feature that involves launching drones that shoot angry barracudas (ooooh barracudas) at approaching ne’er-do-wells (aka gross “others”). I mean, I’m already broke, so why not put some more features on credit?


Add yours →

  1. But it sounds like a big beautiful wall! What’s wrong with a big beautiful wall?

    Ooo I know how you can your neighbors to pay for it: steal with paychecks and don’t give em back until they pay for the wall. That seems like the american thing to do. They’re sending all their money out of there anyway – to pay bills and buy food and all of that dumb crap.


  2. Piranha motes don’t work because they die if not fed every hour on the hour. Poison darts are a bad idea. David ended up in the ER one night after work because I forgot to remind him to turn off the timer from his cell phone before getting out of his truck. After I heard a few *thunks* and a scream I knew he was done for. So nah, nothing will work. Either sell the house or live with it. That’s why when you buy a house you should talk with the neighbors to find out what it’s like around there.


  3. abeerfortheshower March 13, 2017 — 1:29 pm

    But why NOT invite the Kool-Aid man? Maybe you’re just worried that he’s going to break down your emotional walls (and possibly rectal).

    I have bubbling cauldrons of molten hot oil perched over each corner of my property. Have you tried that? It was good enough for Henry VIII, and it’s good enough for me, dammit.


    • Afraid of the Kool-Aid man busting my rectal walls? I’d welcome it…provided he yelled “oh yeah.” Even if it was reserved. I’d be surprised he could reach my anus with how it appears his genitals are positioned.
      Dear Internet, please photoshop or draw or whatever a picture of the Kool-Aid Man pounding Pickleope. Thank you, sincerely, Me.


  4. Insist that Mexico pay for a lovely wall. They’re always willing to pay.



  5. Never lived in an apartment, don’t think I ever will, don’t live in a house but a town house and the neighbours are close but not too close generally speaking, if you get a wall all good as long as you don’t ask Mexico to pay for it and there is no barbed wire on the top


  6. Janie took my clever comment. Mexico will foot the bill, PVP. Some I assume are good people. The rest, the druggies and rapists, have loads of extra cash to pay for the wall.

    Sorry I don’t have a better solution and that you’re dealing with that misery. Very frustrating. I’d egg their house if I knew which one it is.


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