I Know When Neil deGrasse Tyson Will C3 All Over His Tummy

People are getting hyped up about the eclipse. It’s like a galactic Super Bowl where we already know the outcome. You can watch what is going to happen on YouTube right now, and if you actually watch the eclipse, you will go blind. So what’s the excitement? An astrological anomaly that happens all the time just in different parts of the world?

You could make the eclipse sort of happen whenever you want. Cut out a piece of cardboard roughly the size of the moon, put on weird non-3d 3d-glasses and slowly wave the cardboard past the sun trying not to go blind.  So what’s the big deal?

The big deal is how people are reacting to the eclipse. There is a massive industry trying to capitalize on this mooning of the sun. Whether it’s the glasses or the events or merchandise or the staggering amount of websites dedicated to the 2017 eclipse that look like they were created in 1998. People are desperate to make money and an anomaly is an opportunity.

No joke. This is a website I visited YESTERDAY. Shockingly, there were no flying toasters or dancing baby gifs.

Me? I failed to get my Eclipse Brothel off the ground. But there are guaranteed a disturbing number of couples (and just generally baby-hungry strangers) who are trying to conceive during the eclipse. Because they think, what, that they’ll create an incredibly situational werewolf? A niche-wolf?

It’s not often that anyone can pinpoint when a grown adult is going to masturbate, but I, and you, know exactly when Neil deGrasse Tyson is going to be masturbating today. Also, I  hope that security around his ejaculate is being guarded because, if not, it will look like a crossover of National Treasure and Mission Impossible with people trying to sponge up his lunar-splash.

The only thing that is going to happen is that there will be an eclipse. These happen all the time all around the globe. So often, in fact, that there are “eclipse chasers.” These are people who, when they learn about a total eclipse, immediately book a flight and orgasmically watch the moon throw shade on the sun. “Dad, can we go to Disneyland on our family vacation this year?” “Now, little Corona, is there going to be an eclipse on the Matterhorn?  No, it’s only going to be best seen from a moonshine and meth brewing shack in the Appalachians in Tennessee this year. So stop whining, practice your knife fighting, and pack your shorts.” “Dad, did you name me after the beer?” “Well, Corona, I was shockingly drunk when you were conceived during the 2002 eclipse after party in Australia, but no, you were obviously named after the white glowing halo only visible during a total solar eclipse.” “Dad, is it too late to abort me?”

If you are really excited by the eclipse, by all means, don’t let me yuck your yum. I’m asking you to help me understand the excitement. Get me on the hype train. Try to convince me I should risk blindness to see this relatively common event.

Again, don’t go blind. I don’t print these in brail.

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8 Comments

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  1. abeerfortheshower August 21, 2017 — 11:04 am

    Dammit, are you telling me I missed out on an opportunity to make money? I live in a 3 story townhouse. I have a 3rd floor balcony.Therefore it’s 300% closer to the sun than all of those chumps standing on the ground like peons.

    BRB, going to go list it on AirBNB. $1,000 a day, balcony can fit 6 people comfortably or 12 people uncomfortably.

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  2. It’s so cloudy here I don’t know how we’ll tell when the eclipse starts. Oh, darn. Because I care so much.

    Love,
    Janie

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  3. Hey, they said there was a Lizardman sighting during the start of the eclipse in South Carolina. Be careful. They come out only during the eclipse. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

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  4. I hope you people are happy. You’ve earned God’s wrath.

    It’s been nice reading this blog and one of my only regrets is that this is (inevitably) the last post.

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  5. I didn’t even know about the eclipse till I heard about it on the news this morning

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  6. *Runs around screaming* BUT the MOON was eating the SUN!!!!!

    So I was a little bit excited about it and made sure I got my hands of some glasses. I wasn’t sure how cool it was going to be though. It turns out, it was extremely cool to me! We didn’t get the total eclipse here, but it was a decent view, and it didn’t get cloudy til right after the max eclipse time.

    It was also cool because a bunch of my coworkers and I got to do it together, and we shared our glasses with random passersby (including kids) who freaked out when they saw it too. It was one of those nice communal events. I could hear people outside talking about it when I left a few hours later.

    So now I have eclipse sadness disorder. The eclipse was the only thing to look forward to, and now everything is terrible.

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  7. I laughed as loudly at this (especially “little Corona” and “Will you abort me?”) as I do when reading BnB’s posts.
    Sigh. I really should’ve hawked my eclipse glasses (which I got for free) on the black market. I could’ve been on my way to Belize now.

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