I Love My Husband’s Mangled Wiener

If you haven’t seen it, a man’s love letter to his–sorry, a man’s public blog post admiring his wife’s body and celebrating his fetish went viral this past week. No judgement, (slight judgement) if dude wants to publicly objectify her, go ahead. But don’t expect to be heralded as a hero for being attracted to your wife while simultaneously insulting her, focusing solely on her body, ignoring anything about her as a person.

If he’s confused about people being off-put by his bizarre need to publicly reaffirm his physical attraction to his wife, then here’s what the reverse looks like:

I love my husband’s super gross wart-riddled weeping soared uncut micro-dong.

If you’re wondering if my search history is now penis-shaped things, it is. My browser auto-fills penis no matter what I’m trying to Google.

It’s gross. Downright nasty by societal standards. If a well-adjusted member of society who adheres to societal norms saw his hangnail of a skin tag-sized penis, that person would probably vomit.

I love him but I’m special because I’m great. Anyone unfortunate enough to see my husband’s penis would say that it’s vile. But me? I’m open minded, and by that, I mean I have a specific fetish for phallic objects twisted in unnatural angles that also look like Freddy Krueger’s face.

Do I have multiple jpegs of penis-shaped objects saved to my desktop currently? Who are you, the CIA?

Anybody else with any sense of propriety or decency or self-worth would certainly say that my husband’s wiener looks like a miniaturized version of a worn out doggy chew toy left in the sun on the asphalt in Arizona.

But I am absolutely in love with not being certain if he has entered me or not.  Some uncouth people may classify my husband’s micro-penis as being an atrophied clitoris after it was attacked by a rabid badger, but I still think that gnarled lil’ weeping sore nubbin is gorgeous.

If you’re pouring hot liquid, you definitely want it streaming out of a penis. Nothing wrong with that imagery.

Of course I know other people find this thing he can’t change without expensive surgery, absolutely vile. But  I am am exemplary person. Did I mention how I love this truly, objectively disgusting thing attached to a reprehensible creature?

Congratulate me. I am the greatest person for voluntarily loving this thing, this horrific creature most of you would rather light yourself on fire than put in your mouth, your body, your un-wiped anus, your ear (It’s that small, it can fit. Some people find that off-putting, I enjoy the novelty of it.). I am a hero, my husband and his absolutely disgusting by societal standards nubbin dong just facilitates my heroism.


Add yours →

  1. Some people would say this post was crap. That reading it was pure torture. That the untalented hack who foisted this crap upon the world deserves the very worst.

    But not mean. I love crap. I actually laughed at this, maybe because I’m a hero, or maybe because I’m nuts.

    This oughta go viral.


  2. abeerfortheshower August 14, 2017 — 10:24 am

    I love this. This might be my favorite new post of yours. What Harry said – I hope it goes viral.

    And yes, I’m not entirely sure what was going through that dudebro’s head when he wrote that. Congratulations, guy, you’re having sex with someone you’re attracted to. I didn’t know that merited a gold star from the Internet.


  3. You hit it right on the head . . . um sorry, but you did.


  4. This post made me laugh and think what the hell


  5. I didn’t read that guy’s post. I saw the title and knew right away that it was garbage. But your parody of it is solid gold.



  6. Maybe there is some mercy sex going on. Everyone feels sorry for everyone else, but they are just trying to do the right thing. Nah, you’re right, they’re just into their fetishes.


  7. Why does sh*t like that go viral, but not your warped brilliance like: “atrophied clitoris after it was attacked by a rabid badger”? How do you do that? That perfectly describes a number of penises I’ve encountered over the years. I’m a great woman, though, PVP. I’m desperate for sex, and if it comes (spelled incorrectly, if you know what I mean) in the form of an atrophied clit, that’s okay. I don’t look. I’m THAT great. I just expect it to do its job. Otherwise, a cucumber – err, a banana, never a precious cucumber – will do the job. PS I’m great.

    Liked by 1 person

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